Jasmine

 

Not me... again

You're back in town, but not back in this bed. Damn this king sized bed that I wanted so much. Because it was huge and comfortable and I would share it with you. Stupid fucking bed that's too damn big just for me. Sleeping alone when you were away sucked, but I knew it had to be. Sleeping alone these nights are just a huge reminder that you chose not to be in this bed anymore... because I am in it. I don't get why God would show me what I wanted to just snatch it right back so soon afterwards. I suppose because you were never mine. Who knows if you ever will be? Only God. Yeah only God. But God, why? Want? Need? Desire? Which one does he fall under? 

What do I really want? Not who, but what?

1. Companionship 
2. Love
3. Conversation 
4. Cuddling
5. Laughter 
6. Happy tears
7. Closeness
8. Feeling alive 
9. To have purpose
10. Feel safe and secure
11. To be desired
12. To not be alone

Why not with this one I've prayed for relentlessly?! Is it just not right now? That doesn't mean never, right?

Be still Sheila!

Be still and trust God 

I'll always wonder who you would have been...

Boy or girl... I'll never know. He jokingly said if we had a baby it should be a girl, not sure why. The first test was negative, then a positive and because that was too 50/50 for me I did two more which did what to those odds? Yep nothing another positive and another negative.  Blood test showed low levels, but not dangerously low thankfully.  Two days later the spotting came and levels were rechecked and they were indeed lower. Injection was given to "hopefully help" keep the baby inside, but that didn't work. 

When they told me I was indeed pregnant, I thought it couldn't possibly be true and inside I screamed please God let it be true. Of course I wanted a baby. My medical side told me that my age may play a factor, but my heart was already pounding with the excitement. 

And now... well now she or he is no more. The doctor says there's nothing I could have done differently, but I can't seem to accept that. 

Breathing is hard, showering is hard, hell my normally excessive teeth brushing is hard. I want him to hold me and make it all better, but he doesn't even know. 

Why is that? Because he isn't here. He's away getting treatment for a disease that has gripped his life for so long. So I'm suffering in silence. 

Do I tell him and risk that messing up all he's worked towards? He has a right to know. He's weak emotionally right now and he's healing from other pains. Do I add to that? I know I'm being codependent by trying to protect him from this sadness. He should have a right to grieve a loss he didn't even know aboutthough,  right? 

Some, or a lot of self protection is happening as well. I know how devastated I am and part of me believes he would be too, but what if he doesn't react the same. What if he says oh good we dodged that bullet. What if he loses his mind and freaks out? What if he blames me? What if he wouldn't love me anymore? Because I've already done all those and I don't think I'm strong enough to get it from my normally strong rock on this earth.