Mom

#632035I've not posted (obviously) in a while. It seems all my blogs have been updates lately. Who am I updating?? me?? I know what the hell is going on in my life right?! Silly I guess. My mood stinks. My heart is broken. I'm moving in slow motion and everyone else is still running around. My mother passed away six months ago... This is when my world stopped or when I stopped. It seems as if everyone is moving on and doing better. My face hurts when I smile. I cry when it's quiet and I'm alone. Six months and I still cry. I don't why "they" say it gets better with time. The void in my heart and in my life is so huge. How do you move on? I go to work and get thru the day and then I sit in my car in the parking lot and cry. I want my mom to sit on the couch with me and hold my hand again. I miss her laugh and I miss her hugs and all the wonderful things she was in my life. I wipe the tears away and drive home to my beautiful kids and I sit and I feel as if I'm missing their life. I want my joy for my kids and my life and everything back. She would be so upset with me for not "moving on". I know my kids need me and yes I do attend to them. They have meals and clothes and hugs and kisses but I've lost my smile. I've lost my joy. I wonder if they can see that. I wonder if they can see the effort it takes for me to get out of bed and live. I pray they don't. I pray when I read this again in 3, 6 or however many months that I'm in such a different place...

Old Pictures

I love looking through old pictures. I can do it for hours. I get lost in the memories that come back to me and I let time slip by. It’s such a good feeling to be able to remember even the little things like what I was talking about or hearing or laughing at.

Thanks to Facebook and Myspace, I have been in contact with old friends lately. I have truly enjoyed talking to these people that are now strangers to me. I started thinking how I got from the point of taking pictures with and of these people so many years ago and to one day they’re just gone. Even what I considered the closest of my friends at the time one day were no longer part of my life. The thing that’s so strange to me is that I can’t think of what happened at the time to cause the friendship to stop. Not for any one of them. It was like I or they just disposed of the relationship. It seems so sad. Why didn’t I stay in enough contact with these people that I knew when they were moving or changing phone numbers or in some cases having 3 kids!

I have a pretty small circle of friends where I live now and I even consider some of them part of my family. I wonder if one day they too will be abandoned. Or is me being abandoned?

I’m very emotional lately. I just made a photo album for my kids paternal grandparents. Their only biological family that has reached out to them. I looked through the book about 20 times before I mailed it off. I even printed doubles of the pictures so I could scrapbook them some day when I find the time to do that again. Those smiles and the fun. I remember it all like it just happened even though it was a span of about 3 years.

Back to the emotional part... I am going to court in a few weeks in the hopes of getting custody of these little boys that have truly changed my life. They are not blood related to me, but they are part of me in every sense. They are a blessing to me every single day. I wake up with a smile knowing they are right there in the next room and we get to spend another day together.

I’m not supposed to admit my fear or bring bad luck upon myself or whatever by saying this, but what happens if that day in court doesn’t go like I’ve been praying it will for the last 3 years. It’s very rare that judges place kids with a non-relative. I have had this panic building in my chest for the last week or so just thinking of this situation. I’m certain I have provided a safe, loving home for these children, but the courts can’t see that. They don’t know that my heart melts every time my five your old says "mommy I love you all the way to heaven and back!" or how my six year old looks at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes with complete trust and love. I don’t want those to just be memories. I don’t want to be abandoned and I don’t want them taken from their loving home. We are a family. Can I childishly say.. It’s not fair! And not just unfair to me, but certainly to them as well.