Jasmine

 

Not me... again

You're back in town, but not back in this bed. Damn this king sized bed that I wanted so much. Because it was huge and comfortable and I would share it with you. Stupid fucking bed that's too damn big just for me. Sleeping alone when you were away sucked, but I knew it had to be. Sleeping alone these nights are just a huge reminder that you chose not to be in this bed anymore... because I am in it. I don't get why God would show me what I wanted to just snatch it right back so soon afterwards. I suppose because you were never mine. Who knows if you ever will be? Only God. Yeah only God. But God, why? Want? Need? Desire? Which one does he fall under? 

What do I really want? Not who, but what?

1. Companionship 
2. Love
3. Conversation 
4. Cuddling
5. Laughter 
6. Happy tears
7. Closeness
8. Feeling alive 
9. To have purpose
10. Feel safe and secure
11. To be desired
12. To not be alone

Why not with this one I've prayed for relentlessly?! Is it just not right now? That doesn't mean never, right?

Be still Sheila!

Be still and trust God 

I'll always wonder who you would have been...

Boy or girl... I'll never know. He jokingly said if we had a baby it should be a girl, not sure why. The first test was negative, then a positive and because that was too 50/50 for me I did two more which did what to those odds? Yep nothing another positive and another negative.  Blood test showed low levels, but not dangerously low thankfully.  Two days later the spotting came and levels were rechecked and they were indeed lower. Injection was given to "hopefully help" keep the baby inside, but that didn't work. 

When they told me I was indeed pregnant, I thought it couldn't possibly be true and inside I screamed please God let it be true. Of course I wanted a baby. My medical side told me that my age may play a factor, but my heart was already pounding with the excitement. 

And now... well now she or he is no more. The doctor says there's nothing I could have done differently, but I can't seem to accept that. 

Breathing is hard, showering is hard, hell my normally excessive teeth brushing is hard. I want him to hold me and make it all better, but he doesn't even know. 

Why is that? Because he isn't here. He's away getting treatment for a disease that has gripped his life for so long. So I'm suffering in silence. 

Do I tell him and risk that messing up all he's worked towards? He has a right to know. He's weak emotionally right now and he's healing from other pains. Do I add to that? I know I'm being codependent by trying to protect him from this sadness. He should have a right to grieve a loss he didn't even know aboutthough,  right? 

Some, or a lot of self protection is happening as well. I know how devastated I am and part of me believes he would be too, but what if he doesn't react the same. What if he says oh good we dodged that bullet. What if he loses his mind and freaks out? What if he blames me? What if he wouldn't love me anymore? Because I've already done all those and I don't think I'm strong enough to get it from my normally strong rock on this earth.

Fictitious Dumping

I've never been one to care who was talking about me and even closer to the truth is that I didn't consider anyone would even want to waste their time talking about me. I am someone of course,  but not one that remotely has anything worth talking about or so I thought.  So when I am approached about "my relationship ending" it was quite a shock.

You see, I'm not even in a relationship! Yes that's right, I am single, but apparently the sweet nineteen year old girl wanted to help me move on and make sure I wasn't sad.

A bit amused, I asked what relationship was ending. With who? How long were we together? Did we have fun? Did I love him? More importantly,  did he love me? Wait! Why did we break up?! I mean seriously messing up a relationship with a real life person is one thing, but how the heck did I mess up a fictional one? That takes skill or lack of skill right?

She kindly says, uhhh with "Mr". Yes, I will be vague and leave it at that.
Mr?!, I screech! Yeah, I've been known to screech. Mostly when I'd rather say what the hell are you talking about,  but I wouldn't want to scare the lovely teenager.  Moving on I ask, "What gave you the idea that we were together?" The reply still blows my mind... "he told me".

There was some more screeching at this point.  Am I mad? Sad? Pissed? Happy? Yes, yes, yes and yes! But mostly in shock. According to her, we have been together for about a year. A year!!

Now, I'm not new to dating or having a significant other, but it has been a while.  I definitely remember that there is firstly a conversation about establishing the relationship! That part is pretty important! I mean what if I would have cheated on him? That would make me horrible! How dare I not be told! I mean the near daily conversations and not once this could be mentioned.

So back to the break up... it's quite sad, apparently I went and did a very girly no-no... I developed feelings for him! How dare me!  So correct me if im wrong, if we are together and together long enough where we officially have to end it, wouldn't it be normal to have feelings for the person at this point?! Dang those feelings for being there, if not I would still have a boyfriend that I didn't even know about!

So as I see you there with your eyes shifting around searching me out and our eyes connecting I just want to know one more thing... did you have feelings for me and is that why are fictitious relationship is ending? Correction, at this point I have a bazillion questions,  but that's the one I want the answer to most.

Practically every day talking, texting, and at times sitting right across or beside each other... how did I miss that? And why oh why would you tell some teenage girl about it? Why not me? Why not me? Why?

**last thought... It would have been an honor to call you mine

I Do Have A Favorite

Sunday is by far my favorite day of the week. I wake early before anyone else, even the dogs most of the time. I close the bedroom doors and go to my kitchen to prepare breakfast for the family, iron everyone's clothes for church, have a long one sided talk with God. All of this happens in my kitchen... even the ironing! I look forward to this time all week long when my kids are controlling my schedule and occupying my energy and time. Don't get me wrong I love those little beings like I never thought I could, but this time is mine. It's usually interrupted by a dog barking or one of the kids waking too early, but I don't speak to them I smile and point to their room and they know it's not time for them to be up and they don't even argue anymore. Perhaps they know this is my time, but most likely they don't. Once I'm done everyone is woken up and we all have breakfast together or they eat and I sit and look at my beautiful kids that I don't deserve and I thank God that they were brought into my life. Later we get ready for church and head out. I can say without a doubt that music is very much and always has been a major part of my life. It's in my heart if you will. I could go to church JUST for those 20 or so minutes of praise. I feel the message that every one of those songs has deep in my soul. My heart and mind opens and my week starts so fresh on this day. I get the best feeling hearing the message that our pastor gives and I reflect on how I can apply it to my life. I find myself people watching during service and I know a few people there, but there are so many that I don't. Do they find this day refreshing as well I wonder. Do they leave this building and think of the message throughout the week? Do they look around and see me? Do they play their instrument and catch my eye as I sing to this beautiful song that they are playing? Do they wonder who I am? What I do when I'm not there gazing at them making this beautiful music, using their talent to praise Him? Do they think of me like I do of them once I'm gone from that building? Do they carry the songs in their minds and hearts throughout the week like I do? Do they see the tears of happiness that fall from my eyes when I leave this building? Do they care about this girl that feels so at home here in this place with these strangers? Is this their favorite day and place to be too?

Mom

#632035I've not posted (obviously) in a while. It seems all my blogs have been updates lately. Who am I updating?? me?? I know what the hell is going on in my life right?! Silly I guess. My mood stinks. My heart is broken. I'm moving in slow motion and everyone else is still running around. My mother passed away six months ago... This is when my world stopped or when I stopped. It seems as if everyone is moving on and doing better. My face hurts when I smile. I cry when it's quiet and I'm alone. Six months and I still cry. I don't why "they" say it gets better with time. The void in my heart and in my life is so huge. How do you move on? I go to work and get thru the day and then I sit in my car in the parking lot and cry. I want my mom to sit on the couch with me and hold my hand again. I miss her laugh and I miss her hugs and all the wonderful things she was in my life. I wipe the tears away and drive home to my beautiful kids and I sit and I feel as if I'm missing their life. I want my joy for my kids and my life and everything back. She would be so upset with me for not "moving on". I know my kids need me and yes I do attend to them. They have meals and clothes and hugs and kisses but I've lost my smile. I've lost my joy. I wonder if they can see that. I wonder if they can see the effort it takes for me to get out of bed and live. I pray they don't. I pray when I read this again in 3, 6 or however many months that I'm in such a different place...

Old Pictures

I love looking through old pictures. I can do it for hours. I get lost in the memories that come back to me and I let time slip by. It’s such a good feeling to be able to remember even the little things like what I was talking about or hearing or laughing at.

Thanks to Facebook and Myspace, I have been in contact with old friends lately. I have truly enjoyed talking to these people that are now strangers to me. I started thinking how I got from the point of taking pictures with and of these people so many years ago and to one day they’re just gone. Even what I considered the closest of my friends at the time one day were no longer part of my life. The thing that’s so strange to me is that I can’t think of what happened at the time to cause the friendship to stop. Not for any one of them. It was like I or they just disposed of the relationship. It seems so sad. Why didn’t I stay in enough contact with these people that I knew when they were moving or changing phone numbers or in some cases having 3 kids!

I have a pretty small circle of friends where I live now and I even consider some of them part of my family. I wonder if one day they too will be abandoned. Or is me being abandoned?

I’m very emotional lately. I just made a photo album for my kids paternal grandparents. Their only biological family that has reached out to them. I looked through the book about 20 times before I mailed it off. I even printed doubles of the pictures so I could scrapbook them some day when I find the time to do that again. Those smiles and the fun. I remember it all like it just happened even though it was a span of about 3 years.

Back to the emotional part... I am going to court in a few weeks in the hopes of getting custody of these little boys that have truly changed my life. They are not blood related to me, but they are part of me in every sense. They are a blessing to me every single day. I wake up with a smile knowing they are right there in the next room and we get to spend another day together.

I’m not supposed to admit my fear or bring bad luck upon myself or whatever by saying this, but what happens if that day in court doesn’t go like I’ve been praying it will for the last 3 years. It’s very rare that judges place kids with a non-relative. I have had this panic building in my chest for the last week or so just thinking of this situation. I’m certain I have provided a safe, loving home for these children, but the courts can’t see that. They don’t know that my heart melts every time my five your old says "mommy I love you all the way to heaven and back!" or how my six year old looks at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes with complete trust and love. I don’t want those to just be memories. I don’t want to be abandoned and I don’t want them taken from their loving home. We are a family. Can I childishly say.. It’s not fair! And not just unfair to me, but certainly to them as well.